The Road to Hell
by PinkCookie11
Summary: With Rascal Flatts on the radio and dad jokes in the back, what's left to do but crash your car? Too bad it's not Lightning's car to crash. Or: Lightning and his friends discover that good intentions truly pave the road to hell. Crack! Humanised threeshot.
1. Chapter 1

**The Road to Hell**

Lightning McQueen tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and hummed along with his three companions to the sound of the radio, as they drove down the many long winding roads that lead towards Radiator Springs.

The young racer and his friends and racing rivals, Bobby Swift, Cal Weathers and Dale Earnhardt Junior were returning from a visit to Cal's uncle, retired racing veteran 'The King' Strip Weathers. Electing to drive back to Lightning's home, where the four were to remain until the beginning of the next Piston Cup season, rather than fly or be driven, the group had hired a car and set off on their impromptu road trip.

The journey had thus far gone smoothly, the only slight problem being that the radio seemed permanently stuck on a channel that played nothing but Rascal Flatts. However the boys didn't really mind that yet.

"LIIIFE IS A HIIIGHWAAAY-!" Bobby randomly shrieked out, painfully shrill and off key.

The others groaned.

"Well I'm never listening to that song again." Junior remarked with a roll of his eyes. "Bobby, there's a reason you went into racing instead of music."

Said individual merely shrugged and flopped carelessly back in his seat.

"It's catchy."

"Yeah and now, thanks to you we can't listen to the rest of it." Lightning muttered, switching off the radio somewhat huffily.

"Ah, I wouldn't really worry about it too much. It'll be on again in ten minutes anyway." Cal glanced up knowingly from the screen of his phone, where he was engaged in an intense duel with his long-time Words with Friends nemesis, a person called 'The Chicken is Your Superior'.

Much to his friends' amusement, the name had never failed to offend Cal.

"What are they trying to insinuate? That a chicken would be smarter than me? That a chicken would be better than me? That a chicken would be...superior; to me? Or, something."

"'Insinuate'?" That's a BIG word!" Lightning marvelled at his friend's unexpected burst of vocabulary related brilliance. "Why don't you use that one, 'Chicken' won't know what hit them."

"...Don't know how to spell it." Cal mumbled sheepishly.

He slowly and painstakingly typed in the word 'racecar'.

"Take that!"

42 seconds later his phone beeped with a Words with Friends notification.

'Eutrophication'.

Damn. 'The Chicken' was good.

The young racer chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment before menacingly jabbing at the screen with his typing finger. Oh, 'The Chicken' was asking for it.

"Let me see that." Junior reached his arm back and snatched the phone from Cal's hands.

"Hey!"

"Give us a look." Bobby leaned eagerly over the back of Junior's seat to see what the older racer was snickering at. "'Ga-nat'," he read before joining in the laughter.

"Hey Cal, what's a 'ga-nat'?" Junior howled in no small amount of glee. "That the name of those toy stuffed animals you sleep with?"

"Or the name of the critters in your bed?" Bobby crowed in delight. "So when your mummy tucks you in at night she tells you 'don't let the ga—nats bite!'"

The two friends, obviously astonished by their own indomitably hilarious wit, proceeded to laugh themselves half to death, high fiving and fist bumping like two people who had just won the lottery.

Lightning, having just stopped at one of the few lollypop crossings dotted at odd intervals along the four companions' chosen route, took the opportunity to bang his head on the steering wheel. Repeatedly. The horn honked in protest, drawing a score of disapproving frowns directed towards the group in the car, to which the racing celebrity responded most maturely by giving them the finger. Parents crossing the road with their children gasped and covered their youngsters' eyes, hurrying them out of sight.

"It's 'gnat' you idiot." He sighed in frustration, having briefly glimpsed the phone in Junior's hand as he straightened up to drive away from the lollypop crossing. "You know, silent 'G'?"

"Yeah!" Cal finally spoke up. Then he paused, "...Wait what's a 'gnat'?"

"Why use a word you don't even know the meaning of?" Lightning demanded incredulously.

"Cuz otherwise he'd never win." Bobby smirked as he settled back and closed his eyes comfortably. "Oh wait, he doesn't anyway." He added with a wink at a pouting Cal.

"'You' never win!"

"Good comeback, Cal." Junior teased. "Real intelligent there."

"You're one to talk. 'Ga-nat'." Lightning scoffed in utter disbelief. "Why-why-why-" he let out a snort, "why am I friends with you lot?"

"The hell if I know." Junior shrugged, passing the phone back to Cal. "You don't even play Words with Friends with us."

Lightning eyed his three companions in the rear-view mirror pointedly.

"I can't imagine why."

O0o 0o0 o0o 0o0

"Are we there yet?"

From his place slumped against the inside of the door of the backseat, Bobby lifted his head, eyebrows raised and an expression of mock concentration plastered on his face.

"Hmm, let's see," he pretended to ponder, gazing hard at their surroundings as if looking for something, "no Flo's V8 Cafe, no field of cows waiting to be tipped, no recognisable people around to greet us; and here's the real enigma for you...no sign welcoming us to Radiator Springs!" Bobby gasped and fell back, hand clasped dramatically over his heart in apparent shock. "No, Junior. It would appear that we are not, in fact, there yet."

Junior, for lack of a better retort, opted for the adult course of action and promptly stuck his tongue out at Bobby in the rear-view mirror.

"Oh that's mature. How old are you again?"

"Why don't you see if there's anything on the radio, Lightning?" Cal suggested distractedly. "...Let's see if 'The Chicken' can best 'tires'."

Lightning did so.

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY—

Lightning winced, immediately flicking it off again.

"Nope."

Cal's phone beeped and the young racer checked it.

"'Expostulating'? The hell?"

Lightning laughed at his friend's expense.

"Well, Cal," he chuckled mirthfully, "it's beginning to look as though the chicken might actually be your superior after all!"

0o0 o0o 0o0 o0o

"Hitchhiker!"

Lightning, who had been in an almost trancelike state as he drove along, narrowly avoided running their car off the road in his surprise over Bobby's outburst. Regaining control of himself and the car, he shot an irritable glance at his oblivious backseat passenger in the rear-view mirror...he seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

"Bobby, I know 'random' is your middle name, but there's really no need for you to live up to such high expectations every minute of every day." McQueen grumbled. "You're hardly going to lose your reputation if you just give it a rest for half an hour. I promise you."

Bobby was ignoring him however.

"Nooo," he gestured randomly, accidentally walloping Cal in the face in the process, "I mean there's a hitchhiker. As in, someone hitchhiking. On the side of the road. Back there. Hitching hikes."

"Ooohh, we should give them a ride!" Junior, who had heretofore been entertaining himself by pulling a wide range of strange faces at his reflection in the front passenger's side mirror, sprang to life.

"What's wrong with you? You don't pick up hitchhikers!" A scandalised Lightning spluttered in horror. "They might have...flees!"

He was certain there was a more important reason for not picking up hitchhikers but it currently eluded him.

"Or 'ga-nats'." Cal huffed, rubbing his sore face and glaring at Bobby resentfully.

Lightning carefully contemplated this possibility. After all, they were talking about hitchhikers. At this point, he wasn't ruling out anything.

"That too." He conceded. "Or some sort of terrible disease or..." he went blank, "...what else might a hitchhiker realistically have?"

"Knives?" Cal offered helpfully.

"Yes!" Lightning proclaimed enthusiastically.

"A gun?" Cal continued.

"Uh huh," McQueen started nodding along as the others joined in with their creative contributions.

"Drugs?"

"Matches?"

"A pitchfork?"

"A blowtorch?"

"A bomb?"

"Poison?"

"No understanding of English whatsoever?"

"A pet pidgin?"

Lightning stopped nodding.

"Bad breath?"

"A singing voice worse than Bobby's?"

"Messy food?"

"Uh, maaaybeee," he hedged.

"A bad taste in jokes?"

"...Not quite what I was looking for."

"Words with Friends?"

"We're getting off topic here guys." Lightning cut them off quickly. "The point is we're not picking up any hitchhikers. They're too dangerous."

"But how?" Bobby inquired, genuinely puzzled by this.

"Jees, you can't half tell you're the kid who never listened in school." Lightning murmured quietly, then raising his voice, "Well, Bobby, apart from all the reasons we just listed, think about it. We're famous racers who live in the public eye. At the very least this hitchhiker could pester/blackmail us into doing whatever they want. We'd be putting our reputations at risk."

"...So, no hitchhiker?" Bobby asked ruefully.

"No hitchhiker." Lightning agreed. Blissful peace pervaded the car for an entire 60 magical seconds. Then,

"LIIIGHTNNNING," Junior whined annoyingly, "please, please, please can we go back for that hitchhiker?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"...Pleeeeease?"

"Ask me one more time. I dare you."

"Plz?"

"I'll stop singing Life Is a Highway!" Bobby threw in quickly.

Now that was just too good an offer to refuse, considering that, the previous conversation aside, the youth had been alternating between singing, humming and whistling the well-known song for a solid 40-odd minutes. Sighing resignedly, Lightning grudgingly turned the car around to the enthusiastic cheering of Junior and Bobby.

 **Author's note: I AM ALIVE!**

 **So! My Dad told a joke. Naturally, it was a 'dad joke'. This story just sort of happened after that. I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm inflicting it upon the world.**

 ** _Cars_ doesn't belong to me! And at this point I almost wish the story didn't either. **

**I wanna know your thoughts! Maybe? So plz R &R. Just no flames! **

**'Cookie'.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Thank you so much to Author25, Guest and Fabulous Cars Crazy Fudge for the reviews! I'm so glad somebody liked this crappy lil' story! Here's ch2 for you, just as crappy as ever.** **  
** **Warning: contains dad jokes, Read at your own peril! ...What? This is a legitimate warning!**

Lightning McQueen ground his teeth and made sure to glower threateningly into the rear-view mirror-reflected eyes of Swift and Earnhardt, whenever either one dared to peak his way. He was going to kill them. He would murder them. They would be dead.

It would be so epic. Epic enough to make the news. Breaking news. World breaking news! And oh, couldn't he just picture the headlines now?

'Famous racers murdered to death by insane fellow competitor'.

Lightning relished happily in the upcoming glory. He would frame the article and hang it on his bedroom wall where he could admire it every morning and night. He would show his children and grandchildren. And tourists. It would be his proudest achievement.

The contented racer was abruptly torn from his newfound happy place by the disturbingly cheerful and rather large addition somehow crammed between Cal and Bobby in the backseat.

"Would anybody like a Lifesaver?" The hitchhiker, a generously-proportioned man in his late 40s or early 50s with a bald head, little beady pale grey eyes, a cringe-worthy sense of humour; and who had claimed, seemingly blissfully ignorant of his four young companions' identities, to be on his way to Radiator Springs of all places, proffered the roll of round, white candy.

Lightning could have wept at the loss of his beautiful fantasy. Instead he forced what must have been a rather manic looking grin on to his face.

"Uh, no, th-"

"Did you hear about the man that invented these?" The hitchhiker, Bill, interrupted brightly. "They say he made a mint!" He then broke into a round of great big belly laughs, slapping his thighs and elbowing a decidedly miserable looking Bobby and Cal in the ribs. "Get it?"

Cal gave a distressed and pained whimper.

"Yeah. I get it." Bobby nodded sadly.

Lightning managed to bark out what passed for a harsh laugh before suddenly screeching up on to the side of the road next to a conveniently situated restaurant and stomping on the brakes.

"Food time!" He called out sunnily.

"The 'Bar and Grill'." Junior read sceptically as the group climbed out of the car.

"I'm sure it had a proper name once upon a time." Bobby scrutinised the faded lettering on the half collapsed sign rather dubiously.

Bill instantly lit up like a Christmas tree causing all four boys to squeeze their eyes shut and brace themselves.

"Two men walked into a bar, the third one 'ducked'!" He dissolved into his deep bellowing laughter again. "Get it?"

"You know what, I'm really not that hungry." Cal held out his hands and started backtracking slowly towards the car.

"Yeah, me neither." Lightning agreed pinning Bobby and Junior with a fierce-eyed glare. "You two go ahead with Bill and buy him some food. We'll wait in the car."

Neither boy was brave enough to venture an objection.

It was their damned fault anyway.

0o0 o0o 0o0 o0o

"If I'd wanted to hear 'dad jokes' every five minutes, I'd've spent the summer with Mack." Lightning complained bitterly as he and Cal sat in the car, watching Bill, Bobby and Junior through the restaurant windows. "Although, Mack's jokes have nothing on how painful these ones are. And what's up with all the 'get it'-s tacked on at the end? Of course we get it! They're dad jokes! Hence, not hard to get!"

Cal's only reply to his somewhat enraged friend's rant was a noncommittal noise as he stared in open-mouthed fascination at the substantial platter of food rapidly disappearing into Bill's gaping maw.

"And then," Lightning persisted, not particularly caring if the other was listening or not, "they just keep coming! Everything we say or do or pass on the side of the road sets him off again! I swear, if this restaurant hadn't been here I'd've run the car into a tree!"

"Mmm?" Cal ever so slightly shifted his gaze in Lightning's direction before it was drawn back to the sight in front of him. "What tree?"

McQueen opened his mouth, a reply dancing eagerly on the tip of his tongue, then paused. Closing his mouth again without a single word escaping his lips the young racer silently cursed when he realised Cal's question was spot on. For as far as the eye could see, there were no actual trees, just a scrubby looking plant dotted here and there.

Finn would have a field day with this. He couldn't help but to smile at the thought of how his spy friend would pounce on the opportunity to point out that trees could always be relied upon to be unreliable. Lightning had always assumed that Finn was simply prejudice. Just because the agent had fallen out of trees, fallen over trees, crashed into trees, had trees return the favour by falling on him also...among various other tree related incidents, did not make them as evil as Finn would have everybody believe. Right? Although, the distinct lack of trees the only time they were almost needed was beginning to speak for itself now.

"Hells, where does he put it all?" The young racer was drawn from his musings by a wondering Cal. Both boys watched, amazed as Bill leaned over to grab Junior and Bobby's practically untouched platters, the two seemingly having lost their appetites after witnessing Bill's.

"Dunno." Lightning began fiddling with the window controls restlessly. "But I do know that I don't wanna take him all the way to Radiator Springs."

"I wouldn't want him in my hometown either." Cal met Lightning's eyes sympathetically. "He could come up to you whenever he wanted!"

Lightning cringed at the mere thought.

"...Thanks," he growled sarcastically, dropping his head on his arms, which were folded across the dashboard, "I really needed that reminder. But no. I was more thinking that I don't want him in the car with us for that long. He tells dad jokes; and tells dad jokes; and did I mention the dad jokes?"

"And I think he might actually have 'ga-nats'." Cal cut in, unhappily running both hands through his hair. "I've been scratching ever since we picked him up and the bites hurt more than regular old flees."

"He's got to go." Lightning stated decisively.

"Careful. Don't break that." Cal warned suddenly, pulling Lightning's hand away from where he was still playing with the window control. "You damage it; we'll have to pay for it. Hired car, don't forget."

"Relax, it's fine." Lightning shook him off and returned his attention back to his source of entertainment. "Here they come." He added with a groan, spotting Bill marching purposefully from the bar and grill and beelining for the car, Junior and Bobby trailing reluctantly behind him.

"Come on," announced the big man briskly, "time to go."

Lightning and Cal exchanged indignant glances with Bobby and Junior. Just who did this guy think he was?

"Actually," Lightning began pleasantly, "I think we should part ways from here."

Bill paused.

"What a fantastic idea!" Beaming brightly enough to rival the sun, he moved to playfully swat Lightning on the shoulder, but missed, unintentionally catching poor Cal across the face instead. "Why not explore the unexplored parts of our beautiful country? We can certainly do that together!"

"Uh, together?" Lightning blinked, a little confused, "no, I thought we could go our separate ways...separately."

The ginormous smile vanished and Bill sagged in apparent defeat, evoking an intense feeling of guilt from all four young racers.

"Oh," he mumbled softly, "I understand. I'll go."

He turned and began to shuffle away. Bobby, Cal and Junior cast McQueen three looks of utter helplessness. Lightning held his breath. He would remain firm. He was not going to give in and call Bill back so that he could tell more dad jokes. No sir. There was absolutely no way. He'd made up his mind and that was final!

"Wait," Lightning internally cursed himself for being a weak-willed idiot, "we can take you to Radiator Springs."

"Excellent!" Bill was suddenly leaning through the open driver's side door, as if about to hug Lightning causing said person to hastily yank the door shut. "What're we waitin' 'round here for, then?"

Moving happily around to the other side of the car, he grasped the backseat doorhandle firmly and wrenched the car door open...straight into the bar and grill sign with a loud thud. Cal and Lightning hurriedly scrambled out of the car and rushed over to where a horrified Bobby and Junior were examining the resulting significant dent and splotch of white paint now adorning the passenger side door.

"My car!" wailed a wide-eyed Cal in dismay.

"It's not your car. We hired it, remember?" Lightning pointed out, face screwed up in an effort to maintain his calm. "We'll have to pay to fix the damage now, though." He spun around to stab an accusing finger at Bill. "You! Backseat. Now. Do not touch anything. Ever."

The Plump man drew himself up to his full height, scowling thunderously at the shorter racer.

"What kind of moron would park next to a sign anywa-"

"But our car's black!" Bobby broke in randomly and not very helpfully. Apparently it had just sunk in that white paint does not blend very well into a black surface.

"Hey," Junior attempted to playfully nudge Bill, successfully drawing the hitchhiker's attention from a seething Lightning, "a little white paint never hurt anyone, right?"

Except our wallets. McQueen thought with an exasperated eye roll.

"...Right." Apparently Bill was hesitant to relinquish his anger. He turned and squinted through narrowed eyes at a speechless and red-faced Lightning. "You don't look so good. Sorta flushed." He half jeered. "I'll take over driving."

"Oh, no," Cal pushed out a somewhat strangled sounding chuckle. This guy sure had a nerve. "Lightning's fine to drive, really. He's as healthy as an ox."

Bill suddenly beamed at the four racers, small spat already forgotten.

"What did the ox say when his son left for college?" Without waiting for an answer he concluded joyfully with, "'bison'! Get it?"

"Temperamental, much?" Bobby muttered under his breath, observing Cal as the youngest member of the group shrank in on himself.

O0o 0o0 o0o 0o0

"What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?" Junior and Lightning briefly locked equally despairing gazes as Bill triumphantly responded to his own question. "A 'ba-na-na-na'! Get it?"

Lightning took the next bend in the road sharply, unintentionally squishing poor Bobby against the door as Bill slammed into him.

"Ow." Said person grunted miserably.

Bill patted him consolingly on the leg.

"Cheer up. How do you make a Kleenex dance?"

"...How?" Bobby queried woodenly.

"'Put a little boogie in it'! Get it?"

Lightning, switching the radio on again then back off once he heard what was playing, reflected dismally that life may well be a highway, but there were some people who should simply ride it solo.

0o0 o0o 0o0 o0o

Bobby shuddered and wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Is that boiled egg?" He tentatively asked, uneasily eyeing the sandwich in Bill's hand.

"With mayo and chickpeas." The hitchhiker confirmed. "Got it from the restaurant 'fore we left. Want some?" He held the sandwich out for Bobby, who blanched and flinched away.

"No! I don't like egg sandwiches."

Bill appeared temporarily crestfallen, as if not understanding how anybody could dislike boiled egg, before perking up again.

"Suit yourself. Hey, an egg sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said 'sorry, we don't serve food here'! Get it?"

Receiving four flat noises of acknowledgement, the big man laughed heartily and took a giant bight of his sandwich. Chickpeas exploded from the back of the sandwich in a violent wave and liberally sprayed the car's interior and the backs of Lightning and Junior's heads with mayonnaise and their own mushy innards.

"EW!" A thoroughly grossed out Bobby squealed, going cross-eyed at the mess.

"My car!" A panicking junior desperately tried to scrape squashed chickpeas off himself and...well everywhere.

"Oops," Bill grinned unapologetically, "I seem to be 'peaing' everywhere." Clearly deeming this completely comical, he collapsed into near-hysterics. "Get it?"

"Again, we hired it. Not your car." Lightning reminded Junior as he scooped up chickpeas and tossed them back into Bill's lap. "Yuck. Keep your gross hitchhiker's food to yourself." He addressed the amused man in the back.

"Why are you even eating those things anyway?" Bobby demanded abruptly. He scanned Bill, suddenly suspicious. "Don't chickpeas make you fart? If you fart in our car-"

"I repeat, not our car." Lightning interrupted. Bobby ignored him, of course.

"-you'll find yourself sleeping with the ga-nats." He warned seriously. "'Get it'?"

Cal sighed gloomily whilst Bill fixed Bobby with a quizzical stare.

"'Ga-nats'?" He wondered curiously.

 **Author's note: Finn vs trees is inspired by Fabulous Cars Crazy Fudge and Agent Sandra Cartrip.** **  
** **Please review or I'll never learn! Am I guilting you into giving me concrit? Why yes. Yes I am.**


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